sephia lõwendenkmal

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 03:52:32 GMT

she's so cold and human
it's something humans do
she stays so golden solo
she's so number nine
she's incredible math
just incredible math

and is she really human?
she's just so something new
a waking lithium flower
just about to bloom
I smell lithium now
smelling lithium now

how is she when she doesn't surf?
how is she when she doesn't surf?
how is she when she doesn't surf?
I wonder what she does when she wakes up?
when she wakes up

so matador
so calm
so oil on a fire
she's so good
she's so goddess lithium flower
so sonic wave
yeah, she's so groove, yeah
she's so groove
yeah

wow, where did she learn how to surf?
wow, where did she learn how to surf?
wow, where did she learn how to surf?
you know I've never seen the girl wipe out

how does she so perfectly surf?
how does she so perfectly surf?
how does she so perfectly surf?
I wonder what she does when she wakes up?

I wanna go surfing with her
I wanna go surfing with her
I wanna go surfing with her
I wanna go surfing with her

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 23:52:35 GMT

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

I'll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
('Cause I'd do anything you want me to... for you.)
I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

Thoughts without regret. This must be too much a coincidence.

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 08:42:46 GMT

[Cassiopeia]

Cassio...
What the fuck - Would you do anything to work out all wrong?
It's my freedom
Cassio! Cassio!

Tue, 15 May 2007 17:23:22 GMT

need.

of the parametric: II

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 09:33:54 GMT

"I always chalked it up to lingering expectations of one another we secretly held, and neither ever met. Regret for having them, and an even more secret regret for having tried to figure out what they were, wanting to be the other just a little more."

of the parametric.

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 09:31:45 GMT

"I love you and I miss you, but you already knew that. The corrosion of our sanctity was never afflicted by our absence from one another, rather that from within it you may have doubted this, and now regret having done so."

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 02:39:25 GMT

it's hard to find beautiful ideals just so when all you can see is how they dominate and crush the life out of people who crave them without any idea how to fulfill them.

so that's what i do.

i'm here to attain, become, or devaluate every ideal i see cherished or trusted whenever i can; i don't share them with those who seek them because such things cannot be transmuted and transmitted the way a touch or kiss can, yet people seemed to think this just so.

i'm more than fairly sure people get close to me for what i feel are the wrong reasons.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 18:07:45 GMT

"Valuing unusual conduct is not as good as being careful about
ordinary actions."

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 17:53:47 GMT

just because you are in love does not mean things will work out. trap, trap. hook, line, and sinker.
often you will have to know how and when to walk away; when to quit trying.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 17:46:24 GMT

"When the liver is diseased, the eyesight fails; when the kidneys are diseased, the hearing is adversely affected. The disease is not visible, but its effects are. Therefore, enlightened people, wishing to be free from obvious faults, first get rid of hidden faults."

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 17:13:55 GMT

Za mechtoyu na kraj propasti
Lish' tol'ko tak mozhno mir spasti

I'm a soldier, znachit ya
I otvetchik i sud'ya
Ya stoyu na dvuh kontsah ognya
Ogibaya virazhi, obgonyaya smert' i zhizn'

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 19:05:54 GMT

all of this time you had made the decision to learn to have compassion for the world - for anyone, really, outside yourself. as you swayed to and fro on your resolve of what that was, i held your hand, bit my tongue, and wondered how long it would be until you awareness kicked in and you realized you were experimenting on me without realizing it. without asking. because i was the closest thing you had to represent the human condition, i was the closest, easiest person to affect in this way.

while you spent all this time learning hot to suffer for others
who do you think has been quiet, warm and lifting, suffering for you?

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 10:50:10 GMT

[tighten your tie boy
you’re something to die for
but don’t hold your breath now
you’re just killing time
tonight you can dream boy
imagine a whisper
if you can keep secrets
then I’ll tell you mine]

[this is forever but it won’t last long
this is a memory that fades away in neverending
in the death of all that’s long been said and done before,
we’ll wish that we were something more]

[stop wasting time boy
you’re late all your life boy
they won’t have the patience
for someone like you]

[you’re standing alone boy
waiting for dreams boy
waiting for something
to make them come true]

[look in my eyes boy
nothing like yours now
it seems that a lifetime
is passing us you by]

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 08:40:55 GMT

these days, it's not that i can't sleep, it's that i don't want to.
this resolution is comforting, since i can resolve myself to a kind of pretend control over some aspect of my being.

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 22:59:39 GMT

i've destroyed my legs. six or seven miles. i destroyed my lungs by running too hard on miles two through four. i couldn't even make it up the stairs when i returned.

i came home early. warm kitchen, small noses pressed into my chest as i cleaned and groomed my atmosphere preparing for a night of productivity. a conversation ensued shortly thereafter on a jaunt to the postoffice, and the catalytic point is all that needs to be explained: too much arrogance.

people start feeling good about themselves for once, forget they haven't wings since last they died.

so i left, dumped my parcels off - went running, and crying, and running.
an exegesis long overdue.

when i think of being held, i don't think of who i probably should; i don't imagine myself in their arms because i don't feel that it's possible they could ever protect me when they can barely take care of theirself. living != surviving. i tell myself that i will confront certain unmet needs and desires when mentality and well-being stabilizes, but i question whether or not that will actually happen as i fear they are addicted to their melancholy. i also fear they are addicted to me, which is infinitely more frightening, as i've been placed on a pedestal to which i don't belong.

so when i imagine being held, i don't feel supported, i feel held down. and i find myself wondering what it is to be held in different arms.

this isn't to express futility in the dynamic we share, although it does remind me that at some point i need to address the fact that no one person will ever satisfy me (and i believe this is the case with most humans. if one person were enough, then why the fuck is there so much divorce or cheating in the world now that those are socially acceptable to be public about? i'd like some suggestions, if you disagree)

and i can deal with this reality, and although i explain myself quite clearly i still find people trying to fit the mould of prince or princess charming all too often, once again: with friends, lovers, and those who blur the lines.

it's ironic, to me, how this journal has become an ongoing dialogue for something so trvial and simple to reconcile. i suppose, then, what troubles me is that it's not so simple for everyone else around me and i struggle to maintain compusure and fake my way through life until i can find a loophole into a comfortable happy-medium. i'd be alone, but i get bored far too easily, and so i seem to be attracted to bullying myself into submission time and time again.

.

then i end up here, pouring my feelings out to the black box silhouette of everything i seek to destroy in the name of my own degree of perfection, but would never, for sake of preserving theirs.

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 22:17:28 GMT

[and i've had recurring nightmares
that i was loved for who i am
and missed the opportunity
to be a better man]

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 20:43:03 GMT

epilogue:

which isn't to say i'm afflicted with the dis-ease of social and emotional masochism. i abandoned that after it served it's pupose and taught me a transcendance i have yet to reimburse for many long journies up the ladder to where i am now.

of friends and allies.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 20:39:14 GMT

this is dedicated to everyone i've ever met.

i used to say that all i want is your hands, pulling gently on my hair, holding me up as a marionnete so that i would never have to worry about keeping my head up high again. you would be a force of inspiration so undeniable that i couldn't break free from your grasp lest i desire to fall to the ground, shatter, and be no more.

i later revaluated this infant escape as i struggled with my own pride and independance. i didn't want your hands, i only wanted your mind from then on and i would do anything to pry it from you and put it on display, that i might show you off a little: and in private, you would be an electrifying indulgence. our combined intellect would save the world - or rather, the parts of it we wanted to save to suit our device and purpose. when i had realised the limitations of this microcosm, i left it behind, bored. this would be repeated several times over until i became dissappointed and unenthousiastic about ever speaking to you again.

this is getting dangerous, now. this time of little faith, this time of desire and hope for something that seeks to balance the scales that are weighted in favour of a god we don't believe in - yet silently pray to every so often.

it's just - i'm a sucker for romantic ideas, though thankfully[?] i'm even more a sucker for the brutality that results therefrom.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 02:16:02 GMT

there is a girl on my street who sings a song. the same song. without any music. just her voice.
and it sounds like a ballad from old days of war. field tilling and a sweaty brow. sun beating through the skin. it's as though there's some mythology attached to it that i can never understand never having lived it, to be quite frank.

i pine for the few moments i hear her.

she's singing right now.

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 15:54:45 GMT

a few nights ago while asleep, i walked through a tangent that led me to the back of a coffee house and into a warehouse that had converted to a social meetingplace; not an uncommon occurance in any major north american city.

a girl about my height, with erratic hair in a black bob, piercing eyeliner, and a slick style of dress so inspiring it went over my head - came up to me, embraced me, and begged me the answer as to why it took me so long to return.

the familiar sensation dawned on me, that i had met this girl before. it was quickly washed away by a feeling of regret. not really guilt, but regret for having forgotten her.

she kisses my neck and strokes my shoulders while onlookers gawk as if it's out of the ordinary. i close my eyes, and i am calmed from my usual nighttime fury.

"what's your name?"
i ask. she frowns, pulling back to give me a puzzled look.
"amber marie, don't you remember?"
"a lot has happened. i barely remember my own name, so.."
she smiles. that's explanation enough. she takes my hand, and it's as though i'm reunited with the sister lover i lost long ago, even though i'm not certain if this person exists in waking life.

i wake up.
forget about the dream.
coming home from work and sitting on the train, her name pops into my head.

AMBER MARIE.
i walk down the street, and as i mouth the words outloud
HOW DO I FIND HER?
i look up and out of my narrow haze to find a girl standing in front of me, back to me, that looks identical. IDENTICAL.

i pause, in a state of skepticism and shock; i reach up to tap her on the shoulder, hesitate in doubt a moment - and then at the change of the light she walks off down nelson street, possibly gone forever.

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 04:49:53 GMT

i'm liquid at the idea of integrating, but terrified of relying on anything other than myself.
desperation tames my stubborness as I realize that this might only be common sense breaking through.
knowing one's limits is knowledge enough, but for how long, i say.. hm.

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 06:39:28 GMT

it's always easier not to, it's true.

drink and eat and drink and eat and sleep, sleep, sleep.

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 18:05:40 GMT

i never thought that a pill would help me remember who i am, and now i'm convinced it's the only thing that will.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 07:54:06 GMT

i want to fuck her, ,hold her, and leave her,,
as if i could without any reservation.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 07:45:23 GMT

able whip and solid gaze: i slink into her as the moon on the horizon when my face awakens to hers as the morning lights the sky, but i can't seem to feel anything beyond this crippling apathy that i traded every piece of my last self for and without bricks to build a home for this withering beast the creature cries out: and only decays further.

i really want.
to be
it.

i am it.
where are you
what are you
gods among men

never afraid of mortals
instead of our moments in between the silence and the cut of the pupil.

i used to think this was romantic or a challange of some sort.
now it's just a pain in the ass, i think.