urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia sephia lõwendenkmal sephia lõwendenkmal 2007-06-20T03:52:32Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:10352 2007-06-20T03:52:32Z 2007-06-20T03:52:32Z she's so cold and human<br />it's something humans do<br />she stays so golden solo <br />she's so number nine <br />she's incredible math<br />just incredible math<br /><br />and is she really human?<br />she's just so something new<br />a waking lithium flower<br />just about to bloom<br />I smell lithium now<br />smelling lithium now<br /><br />how is she when she doesn't surf?<br />how is she when she doesn't surf?<br />how is she when she doesn't surf?<br />I wonder what she does when she wakes up?<br />when she wakes up<br /><br />so matador<br />so calm<br />so oil on a fire<br />she's so good<br />she's so goddess lithium flower<br />so sonic wave<br />yeah, she's so groove, yeah<br />she's so groove<br />yeah<br /><br />wow, where did she learn how to surf?<br />wow, where did she learn how to surf?<br />wow, where did she learn how to surf?<br />you know I've never seen the girl wipe out<br /><br />how does she so perfectly surf?<br />how does she so perfectly surf?<br />how does she so perfectly surf?<br />I wonder what she does when she wakes up?<br /><br />I wanna go surfing with her<br />I wanna go surfing with her<br />I wanna go surfing with her<br />I wanna go surfing with her urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:10076 2007-06-09T23:52:35Z 2007-06-09T23:52:35Z C&C <i>I'll do anything for you,<br />Kill anyone for you.<br /><br />So leave yourself intact<br />'Cause I will be coming back.<br />In a phrase to cut these lips,<br />I love you.<br /><br />The morning will come<br />In the press of every kiss<br />With your head upon my chest<br />Where I will annoy you<br />With every waking breath<br />Until you decide to wake up.<br /><br />I've earned through hope and faith<br />The curves around your face<br />That I'm the one you'll hold forever.<br />If morning never comes for either one of us,<br />Then this I pray to you wherever.<br /><br />I'll do anything for you.<br />This story is for you.<br />('Cause I'd do anything you want me to... for you.)<br />I'll do anything for you,<br />Kill anyone for you.</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:9741 2007-06-02T08:42:46Z 2007-06-02T08:43:34Z [Cassiopeia]<br /><br />Cassio...<br />What the fuck - Would you do anything to work out all wrong?<br />It's my freedom<br />Cassio! Cassio! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:9645 2007-05-15T17:23:22Z 2007-05-15T17:23:22Z <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codex_Seraphinianus">need.</a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:9239 2006-11-08T09:33:54Z 2006-11-08T09:33:54Z "I always chalked it up to lingering expectations of one another we secretly held, and neither ever met. Regret for having them, and an even more secret regret for having tried to figure out what they were, wanting to be the other just a little more." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:9001 2006-11-08T09:31:45Z 2006-11-08T09:34:54Z "I love you and I miss you, but you already knew that. The corrosion of our sanctity was never afflicted by our absence from one another, rather that from within it you may have doubted this, and now regret having done so." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:8837 2006-09-20T02:39:25Z 2006-11-08T09:30:13Z it's hard to find beautiful ideals just so when all you can see is how they dominate and crush the life out of people who crave them without any idea how to fulfill them.<br /><br />so that's what i do.<br /><br />i'm here to attain, become, or devaluate every ideal i see cherished or trusted whenever i can; i don't share them with those who seek them because such things cannot be transmuted and transmitted the way a touch or kiss can, yet people seemed to think this just so. <br /><br />i'm more than fairly sure people get close to me for what i feel are the wrong reasons. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:8469 2006-09-19T18:07:45Z 2007-06-09T23:59:59Z "Valuing unusual conduct is not as good as being careful about <br />ordinary actions." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:8294 2006-09-19T17:53:47Z 2007-06-09T23:59:48Z just because you are in love does not mean things will work out. trap, trap. hook, line, and sinker.<br /><a href="http://sephia.livejournal.com/6978.html">often you will have to know how and when to walk away; when to quit trying.</a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:7980 2006-09-19T17:46:24Z 2006-09-19T17:47:11Z "When the liver is diseased, the eyesight fails; when the kidneys are diseased, the hearing is adversely affected. The disease is not visible, but its effects are. Therefore, enlightened people, wishing to be free from obvious faults, first get rid of hidden faults." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:7838 2006-09-12T17:13:55Z 2006-09-12T17:13:55Z <b>Za mechtoyu na kraj propasti<br />Lish' tol'ko tak mozhno mir spasti</b><br /><br />I'm a soldier, znachit ya<br />I otvetchik i sud'ya<br />Ya stoyu na dvuh kontsah ognya<br />Ogibaya virazhi, obgonyaya smert' i zhizn' urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:7576 2006-08-15T19:05:54Z 2007-06-09T23:58:59Z all of this time you had made the decision to learn to have compassion for the world - for anyone, really, outside yourself. as you swayed to and fro on your resolve of what that was, i held your hand, bit my tongue, and wondered how long it would be until you awareness kicked in and you realized you were experimenting on me without realizing it. without asking. because i was the closest thing you had to represent the human condition, i was the closest, easiest person to affect in this way.<br /><br />while you spent all this time learning hot to suffer for others<br />who do you think has been quiet, warm and lifting, suffering for you? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:6978 2006-08-03T10:50:10Z 2006-09-19T17:52:04Z [tighten your tie boy<br />you’re something to die for<br />but don’t hold your breath now <br />you’re just killing time<br />tonight you can dream boy<br />imagine a whisper<br />if you can keep secrets<br />then I’ll tell you mine]<br /><br />[this is forever but it won’t last long<br />this is a memory that fades away in neverending<br />in the death of all that’s long been said and done before,<br />we’ll wish that we were something more]<br /><br />[stop wasting time boy<br />you’re late all your life boy<br />they won’t have the patience <br />for someone like you]<br /><br />[you’re standing alone boy<br />waiting for dreams boy<br />waiting for something<br />to make them come true]<br /><br />[look in my eyes boy<br />nothing like yours now<br />it seems that a lifetime<br />is passing <s>us</s> you by] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:6679 2006-08-03T08:40:55Z 2006-09-19T17:50:27Z these days, it's not that i can't sleep, it's that i don't want to.<br />this resolution is comforting, since i can resolve myself to a kind of pretend control over some aspect of my being. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:6579 2006-08-01T22:59:39Z 2006-09-19T18:04:55Z i've destroyed my legs. six or seven miles. i destroyed my lungs by running too hard on miles two through four. i couldn't even make it up the stairs when i returned.<br /><br />i came home early. warm kitchen, small noses pressed into my chest as i cleaned and groomed my atmosphere preparing for a night of productivity. a conversation ensued shortly thereafter on a jaunt to the postoffice, and the catalytic point is all that needs to be explained: too much arrogance.<br /><br />people start feeling good about themselves for once, forget they haven't wings since last they died.<br /><br />so i left, dumped my parcels off - went running, and crying, and running.<br />an exegesis long overdue.<br /><br />when i think of being held, i don't think of who i probably should; i don't imagine myself in their arms because i don't feel that it's possible they could ever protect me when they can barely take care of theirself. living != surviving. i tell myself that i will confront certain unmet needs and desires when mentality and well-being stabilizes, but i question whether or not that will actually happen as i fear they are addicted to their melancholy. i also fear they are addicted to me, which is infinitely more frightening, as i've been placed on a pedestal to which i don't belong.<br /><br />so when i imagine being held, i don't feel supported, i feel held down. and i find myself wondering what it is to be held in different arms.<br /><br />this isn't to express futility in the dynamic we share, although it does remind me that at some point i need to address the fact that no one person will ever satisfy me (and i believe this is the case with most humans. if one person were enough, then why the fuck is there so much divorce or cheating in the world now that those are socially acceptable to be public about? i'd like some suggestions, if you disagree)<br /><br />and i can deal with this reality, and although i explain myself quite clearly i still find people trying to fit the mould of prince or princess charming all too often, once again: with friends, lovers, and those who blur the lines.<br /><br />it's ironic, to me, how this journal has become an ongoing dialogue for something so trvial and simple to reconcile. i suppose, then, what troubles me is that it's not so simple for everyone else around me and i struggle to maintain compusure and fake my way through life until i can find a loophole into a comfortable happy-medium. i'd be alone, but i get bored far too easily, and so i seem to be attracted to bullying myself into submission time and time again.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />.<br /><br />then i end up here, pouring my feelings out to the black box silhouette of everything i seek to destroy in the name of my own degree of perfection, but would never, for sake of preserving theirs. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:6228 2006-08-01T22:17:28Z 2007-06-09T23:58:50Z [and i've had recurring nightmares<br />that i was loved for who i am<br />and missed the opportunity<br />to be a better man] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:5994 2006-07-31T20:43:03Z 2006-08-01T23:01:27Z epilogue:<br /><br /><s>which isn't to say i'm afflicted with the dis-ease of social and emotional masochism. i abandoned that after it served it's pupose and taught me a transcendance i have yet to reimburse for many long journies up the ladder to where i am now.</s> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:5686 2006-07-31T20:39:14Z 2006-09-19T17:57:39Z this is dedicated to everyone i've ever met.<br /><br />i used to say that all i want is your hands, pulling gently on my hair, holding me up as a marionnete so that i would never have to worry about keeping my head up high again. you would be a force of inspiration so undeniable that i couldn't break free from your grasp lest i desire to fall to the ground, shatter, and be no more.<br /><br />i later revaluated this infant escape as i struggled with my own pride and independance. i didn't want your hands, i only wanted your mind from then on and i would do anything to pry it from you and put it on display, that i might show you off a little: and in private, you would be an electrifying indulgence. our combined intellect would save the world - or rather, the parts of it we wanted to save to suit our device and purpose. when i had realised the limitations of this microcosm, i left it behind, bored. this would be repeated several times over until i became dissappointed and unenthousiastic about ever speaking to you again.<br /><br />this is getting dangerous, now. this time of little faith, this time of desire and hope for something that seeks to balance the scales that are weighted in favour of a god we don't believe in - yet silently pray to every so often.<br /><br />it's just - i'm a sucker for romantic ideas, though thankfully[?] i'm even more a sucker for the brutality that results therefrom. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:5551 2006-07-31T02:16:02Z 2006-07-31T02:22:05Z there is a girl on my street who sings a song. the same song. without any music. just her voice.<br />and it sounds like a ballad from old days of war. field tilling and a sweaty brow. sun beating through the skin. it's as though there's some mythology attached to it that i can never understand never having lived it, to be quite frank.<br /><br />i pine for the few moments i hear her.<br /><br />she's singing right now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:5304 2006-07-29T15:54:45Z 2006-09-19T18:00:24Z a few nights ago while asleep, i walked through a tangent that led me to the back of a coffee house and into a warehouse that had converted to a social meetingplace; not an uncommon occurance in any major north american city.<br /><br />a girl about my height, with erratic hair in a black bob, piercing eyeliner, and a slick style of dress so inspiring it went over my head - came up to me, embraced me, and begged me the answer as to why it took me so long to return. <br /><br />the familiar sensation dawned on me, that i had met this girl before. it was quickly washed away by a feeling of regret. not really guilt, but regret for having forgotten her. <br /><br />she kisses my neck and strokes my shoulders while onlookers gawk as if it's out of the ordinary. i close my eyes, and i am calmed from my usual nighttime fury.<br /><br />"what's your name?"<br />i ask. she frowns, pulling back to give me a puzzled look.<br />"amber marie, don't you remember?"<br />"a lot has happened. i barely remember my own name, so.."<br />she smiles. that's explanation enough. she takes my hand, and it's as though i'm reunited with the sister lover i lost long ago, even though i'm not certain if this person exists in waking life.<br /><br />i wake up.<br />forget about the dream.<br />coming home from work and sitting on the train, her name pops into my head.<br /><br />AMBER MARIE.<br />i walk down the street, and as i mouth the words outloud<br />HOW DO I FIND HER?<br />i look up and out of my narrow haze to find a girl standing in front of me, back to me, that looks identical. IDENTICAL.<br /><br />i pause, in a state of skepticism and shock; i reach up to tap her on the shoulder, hesitate in doubt a moment - and then at the change of the light she walks off down nelson street, possibly gone forever. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:5093 2006-07-23T04:49:53Z 2006-07-29T16:01:28Z i'm liquid at the idea of integrating, but terrified of relying on anything other than myself.<br />desperation tames my stubborness as I realize that this might only be common sense breaking through.<br />knowing one's limits is knowledge enough, but for how long, i say.. hm. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:4619 2006-07-20T06:39:28Z 2006-07-20T06:39:28Z it's always easier not to, it's true.<br /><br />drink and eat and drink and eat and sleep, sleep, sleep. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:4376 2006-07-18T18:05:40Z 2006-07-18T18:05:40Z i never thought that a pill would help me remember who i am, and now i'm convinced it's the only thing that will. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:4218 2006-07-08T07:54:06Z 2007-06-10T00:02:05Z i want to fuck her, ,hold her, and leave her,,<br />as if i could without any reservation. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:sephia:3896 2006-07-08T07:45:23Z 2006-07-08T07:48:30Z able whip and solid gaze: i slink into her as the moon on the horizon when my face awakens to hers as the morning lights the sky, but i can't seem to feel anything beyond this crippling apathy that i traded every piece of my last self for and without bricks to build a home for this withering beast the creature cries out: and only decays further.<br /><br />i really want.<br />to be<br />it.<br /><br />i am it.<br />where are you<br />what are you<br />gods among men<br /><br />never afraid of mortals<br />instead of our moments in between the silence and the cut of the pupil.<br /><br />i used to think this was romantic or a challange of some sort.<br />now it's just a pain in the ass, i think.